New Beginnings (2)
A new year brings new resolutions, reimagining who we could be, how we could live more fully, more sustainably, and more united. A new year also presents opportunities to reminisce and reflect. As the daughter of a military officer, I had four major moves in my childhood: from Germany to Maryland, to Texas, to England, and back to Texas. Each new assignment for Lt Col Osgood was a new beginning for me. I learned to squeeze myself into established friend groups, determine the social norms that were unique to each group, and quickly adapt my speech so as not to stand out. Course pre-requisites were often a problem, and I know what it’s like to feel lost in the material – the mixture of fear, stupidity, and determination to overcome the hurdle. I remember intentionally reinventing myself and adapting my personality, tailoring out traits I didn’t like and adopting a more optimistic persona with each move.
Looking back on those times, I feel a twinge of sadness, wondering why I felt I had to change. It is only as an adult that each new move allows me to become more of myself instead of less. I am more assured and have a better understanding of who I am. I (try to) no longer apologize, critique, or change myself to fit the room. I feel more comfortable, discovering and embracing my whole self, and presenting that to the people I meet. Formation played a big role in learning to see myself as God sees me, as an unequivocally unique and beloved being.
Multiple Bible verses proclaim that God delights in me (Zephaniah, Psalms, Isaiah), and as a novice, that particular word penetrated the protective walls of my heart. To delight is so much more than to appreciate or enjoy. To delight is to have one’s eyes light up. You delight in a child or a puppy–overwhelmed and brimming with emotion. A grandparent delights in you and the wonderfully small things you do–like toddling across a room or drawing a terribly imperfect picture. God delights in us simply because we exist, not in our actions or accomplishments, but in our deepest selves. I learned, as so many people in their thirties do, to be grateful for the wonderful weirdo that God shaped me to be, through nature, nurture, and numerous choices I made throughout my life.
If God delights in me, perhaps I should too.